MFA or Tarot?
October 11, 2023
I was raised by Stephen King and John Irving and decided to revisit the master storytellers in my quest to further develop my craft. Ten pages into Irving’s new novel I realized his sentence structure has subconsciously shaped the way I write sentences — long, parenthetical thoughts within thoughts with a combination of simple, conversational language mixed with sophistication and bits of droll asides sprinkled into the mix. I am not comparing myself to Irving by any means, (please!) but I read everything he wrote in my formative years and picking up his work again many decades later I see that he’s been a major influence on my language style. Irving, however, can carry a narrative all the way through in a way that’s so beautifully and seamlessly crafted you can’t see the edges. How can anyone write like this, I asked myself. How does anyone learn to write anything more than a blog or an essay? HOW, I ask you and Google. Google reminds me that Irving is a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, studying under Kurt Vonnegut. Of course he is, I said to myself, and googled, not for the first time, the application process for the Iowa Writers’ Workshop where I was reminded, once again, that with an acceptance rate of less than 1% there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of attending. Still, my mind stuck on the possibility of applying for an MFA, and I continued my research.
Shortly after moving to Amsterdam, I discovered the term Shadow Artist in the book The Artist’s Way. A Shadow Artist is an artist who does not realize their own talent or potential, but is drawn to the artists who create the work they themselves love and admire. Shadow Artists often work in supportive roles amongst other artists, say for example, being the managing editor at publications such as the Atlantic, surrounded by the best writers in the world, but never actually doing any writing themselves. Shadow Artists, if they take the path of self actualization, often come to realize at a later point in their life that they themselves are the kind of artist they surround themselves with, but have never endeavored — for whatever reasons — to hone their own craft. Upon learning about the concept of a Shadow Artist, and immediately and firmly identifying as such, I flew over Amsterdam breathing fire like a dragon then sat down in the ashes, after which I had a long talk with my therapist (who, by the way, has encouraged me to become a writer since our first meeting several years ago). I’ve been working on being a writer ever since.
Start where you are is the advice I read about becoming a writer. Find your community and nurture your tiny spark, and that’s exactly what I did. I found my way over to Medium and began publishing personal essays and soon found a group of writers and editors whose work I admired and was similar to mine. I found my little community. I nurtured my tiny spark. But that’s as far as I’ve gotten. About a year after I discovered Medium the owners switched direction and fired all the editors and much of my community disappeared in a poof and I stopped publishing on Medium, but took more risks on my blog and kept pounding away at the myriad of novel and creative nonfiction works I’m gestating. Five years into this I feel stuck, unable to make progress beyond fits and starts. Lot of promise but no fruition. It’s soul crushing at times, the desire to progress as a writer who is stuck.
Many people in my life have told me you don’t need an MFA, but most of those people have MFAs and are successful, published writers. It reminds me of a bride who had a massive wedding then tells you there’s no point in wasting the money on a wedding. Well, you had your wedding, motherfucker, is what I say to them (to myself). MFA programs help you become a better writer. You read, write, have deadlines, and get invaluable professional feedback and mentorship and build community within the writing world. Unfortunately, MFA programs are incredibly competitive, very few people are admitted, and are staggeringly expensive. I worry about my age, my lack of portfolio, and because I burned all my bridges and salted the ground with my essay on Medium about the sexism and white dude power dynamics during my time as the managing editor of the Atlantic, my lack of references. Still, I can’t help but think pursuing an MFA is exactly what I need. In college my creative writing professor (I was a literature major. Shadow Artist) encouraged me to pursue writing as a career. He felt I had talent, and told me that with less procrastination I was destined to be a writer, to which I responded, that’s ridiculous, I need a real job. I chose the path I did out of necessity. I didn’t have financial or creative support. I needed a job that paid money and I found a path that allowed me to work in magazines and support myself, and for that I will be forever grateful. But I’m in a new phase of my life. My kid leaves for college next year. I have a new chance to pursue a path that will bridge the gap between Shadow and actual artist. I am going to take it.
We biked to NDSM Noord last weekend, which is the neighborhood in Amsterdam that most resembles Williamsburg, Brooklyn 20 years ago. It’s full of art, artists and music. If the MFA thing doesn’t work out for me maybe I’ll move there and buy a houseboat and drop out of society and read tarot cards for money.
P.S. If anyone reading this is willing to write a letter of recommendation for my MFA applications it would be swell.